Bestward Ho[, Ho, Ho!]

“It stands. What? Yes. Say it stands. Had to up in the end and stand. Say bones. No bones but say bones. Say ground. No ground but say ground. So as to say pain. No mind and pain? Say yes that the bones may pain till no choice but stand. Somehow up and stand. Or better worse remains. Say remains of mind where none to permit of pain. Pain of bones till no choice but up and stand. Somehow up. Somehow stand. Remains of mind where none for the sake of pain. Here of bones. Other examples if needs must. Of pain. Relief from. Change of.
All of old. Nothing else ever. But never so failed. Worse failed. With care never worse failed.”

From Samuel Beckett’s Worstward Ho

 

Bestward Ho!

 
For all the writers I’ve tried to help and did, thought I didn’t but did, but especially for those I thought I helped  but didn’t and those I thought I didn’t and didn’t – Every new year is a great time for a revision. Happy Holidays!
 

That time? No. The other time? The time where it started one way and went in an entirely different direction. That time? Yes, that time when you said to me, you said, ‘that’s it there, do that’ and I did that. You did it? Yes. And it worked? Yes.

That time then when I did that and it was good. That time? Yes, it worked out well, it went well, I understood well. That time? Yes, that went well.

Is that it? no. There were other times. When? So many too many for just one. Such as? There were those times, of course. Of course. But there were other times, times when things didn’t go well. Oh, they didn’t? No. I’m sorry. It’s okay be-cause… Be-cause? Yes be-cause, because those times too were good. The ones that didn’t go well? Yes. Not no? Not no. How? Those times when things didn’t go well they went well. How? I learned things. Really? Yes. What things?Lots of things. How much? A lot. A lot? Much more than those times when things went well. How?

Those times when things didn’t go well when… Nothing worked? Sometimes. Sometimes nothing worked? Sometimes nothing worked. Interesting. Those times when nothing worked and walked out the cafe and  stood outside the library beneath a leaky umbrella and thought all was lost as I stood accosted by cigarette smoke. Those times? Those times when I thought all was lost and the rain leaked through my brain and second hand smoke threatened me with cancer, I thought ‘I don’t know, I’ll never know, there is nothing worth knowing,’ those times it was those times I learned what I was missing. You learned so you found them? No, they remained lost, but I knew they were lost. If you lose you wallet and know it’s lost there’s no profit in it. Yes there is. There is? Yes. What? You can cancel you credit cards. It’s still lost. True. So all was lost. All was not lost. They were lost and you knew they were lost and you knew you would not recover them but all was not lost? All was not lost. How?

That time but the other times, those times together at the same time although they were not the same times at the time. Those times were valuable? Invaluable. Worthless you’re saying? Wor-THY. Not worthless? Beyond the measure of worth. Worthiness has always sounded too similar to weariness to me. Not weary, but worthy! Worthy.

So, you say all this to say what? To say? Yes, you say all this to say something, you say it to come to some sort of point? I say it to say thanks. Phah, thanks, thanks for what? Thanks for you, for your help, in helping me. Me, phah? No, phah. No, phah, phah yourself, it was you that did all that, I just point and ask questions I don’t know the answers to.

But the questions… Yes, the questions? They’re important. I thought it was the answers? The answers? Yes, I thought it was the answers that were important. Yes. So it’s not the questions? No the questions…. The questions no, good. No, the questions yes. The questions yes, how?

I knew the answers, not the questions. You knew the answers? Yes. To the questions? Yes. Without knowing the questions? Yes. Impossible. No. Yes impossible, if you knew the answers to the questions, how did you not know the questions, knowing the answers requires knowing the questions.

No.

‘No’, now you say ‘no’.

Yes.

‘Yes,’ now you say ‘yes.’

Yes, sometimes I say ‘no’ and sometimes I say ‘yes.’ Is there any reason here at all? Yes there are reasons but sometimes there are not, but the questions… Aye, the questions.

Aye, the questions, I knew the answers and I knew the questions. Knew them both then or now? Both. Both the questions and  the answers or both then and  now? Both to both and both to both– both, both, both! Then I did nothing.

Not nothing, I knew the questions and the answers to the questions but I didn’t know I had to ask them. And what did I do? You asked them. I did you say, and then you knew? Yes, I did. Who woulda thought it. You thought it. Me? Yes you. Are you suggesting that I had it all planned? Yes. Doesn’t sound like me. Oh, Moran, that’s you all over. Is it now? Yes you, you, you, Thank you. No… No, no. No, not just ‘no’, but no, thanks is necessary, Thank You, it was my pleasure.

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